threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
