hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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