do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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