It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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