I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
