Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
