He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Are we still banned from the library?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
