Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
