hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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