Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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