My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
