Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
