WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
