Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
