He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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