corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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