I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
