Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
