can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
