her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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