So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
