PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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