I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
