fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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