I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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