Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
