So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
