Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
