he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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