the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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