I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
