His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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