We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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