He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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