Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
