she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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