I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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