hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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