We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
