I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
