you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
