did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
