Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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