Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
