my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
