On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize