apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
