Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i will never coherently bang her
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
