in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The uberlube is also flammable
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
