I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
