"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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