she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
