I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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