If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
