Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
