me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
