he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
