Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
