what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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