i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Randomize
