i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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