I think I died a long time ago.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
