I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
