After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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