I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
