you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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